In Praise of #3: The Belchin' Belgian: Belgian Beers.

Beer, beer beer beer BEER! Beer is great. Strong beer is greater. Belgian Beers are the greatest. I think most of these are Trappist, but I'm not sure what the distinction or definition of that is, but I know it has something to do with monks. Once you get above 8% strength, just drinking a couple gets you such a mellow, chilled drunk-ness that you just smile like a foreign exchange student. Even when some fat Brummie couple come up and smack your friend on the side of the head, your faith in humanity will be at an all-time high. All of the following will get you drunk, and all kick ass, so don't take the order too seriously. Also, Chimay isn't there, because there are too many different variations, but they're all worth a go too.

5. Forbidden Fruit - 8.8%

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She's a beauty: a dark lustrous minx who'll fuck you up in no time. This is incidentally is what I look for in a woman. Tasty, exotic, and you really struggle to get it in Australia (when you do it's not cheap.) What's more, it has a picture of Adam tempting Eve with a beer on the front, which is both delicious and sacrilegious (sacrilicious?)

4. Duvel - 8.5%

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This is good because it is close to ubiquitous in the United Kingdom. Any large supermarket will have this and at least one colour Chimay to help whet your Belgian beer beak. It's probably too strong a flavour to really enjoy, but luckily you only need a couple to induce a sense of wellness which is just swell.

When chilled correctly , it has a strong, refined taste. However, if you drink it warm, or even tepid, it tastes of iron mixed with sweat. Also, in supermarkets it went from £1.29 to £2.09 overnight, which means it's no longer a cheap swilling option, but a symbol of your refinement and culture (until you swill it in the middle of the street). This price rise on its own would be enough for me to condemn the libdem-conservative alliance, without even considering the awful things they are doing to the country.

3. Delirium Tremens 9.0%

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I love this, especially as you mainly get it in cool bars. The bottle is made of porcelain or something, and I actually have one of the glasses (which was NOT stolen from an Amsterdam bar). The beer itself is super strong, and does effect you on a serious level. I also love the fact that it's named after a side-effect of alcohol abuse. The pink and blue colour scheme adds to the delight, and the pink elephant motif is great fun, reminding everyone of Dumbo, and bringing a tear to their cragged, beer-stained faces. It's probably the logo I would most likely get tattooed (which still won't happen, as I have a personality.) 

On closer inspection, it looks kind of scary. [source]

2. Tripel Karmaliet 8.0%

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Another beer with its own cool glass to drink from. A rarity factor in the U.K. means searching for it brings a whole 'thrill of the chase' aspect. Of the five I've listed, this probably has the best flavour, strong but tender, with a caramel scent (which I suppose is what the 'Karmaliet' means). It also has a cool, simple, rustic artwork on it: A joy.

1. Kwak 8.4%

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This is the king, I suppose, the flavour is as good as the others, the odour is distinctly almond-ey, which is a great thing. What pushes it to the top for me is the vaguely medical-looking stand and glass that you drink it from (i.e. see above). It's awesome to the point that I actually have one, a box set with beer stand, another thing which should prevent me from ever getting laid again, luckily I'm tall. Still, a great beer, and probably Belgium's greatest contribution to culture.